Here, There, and Underwear
Hey this is crazy but it looks like I’m having a book published!!!
Empress Editions, the indie literary press redefining midlife with bite and brilliance, is delighted to announce the acquisition of She’s Gone Chilaquiles, a debut collection of comic essays by writer, musician, and accidental outlaw* Anna Schott.
*Slated for release fall/2026*
This has happened entirely because of Substack, and the people I’ve met through using it. It’s the last thing I ever ever expected and I’ve been walking around in a kind of perma-stunned state ever since I found out. I taped a copy of the press release to the ‘fridge in hopes that my partner reads it at least seventeen times a day and realizes that I’m cool, or at least a little cooler than he thought. I think my plan is working, because he keeps saying “this is just so cool. Really, really cool,” while looking at me with a new-found Admiration and Respect.
From the press release:
“These essays are hilarious, subversive, and sharply observed—and they remind us that the road to self-discovery is often paved in dog hair, spilled coffee, and excellent tacos.”
“Anna Schott writes like a woman who’s been to hell and came back with snacks,”
, Publisher of Empress Editions.
Empress Editions is an independent publisher devoted to amplifying the voices of women over forty—with smart, subversive, unforgettable books.
I love that my book has found a home with a press run by women who have been through some bullshit the great war. Like so many others, I was totally blindsided by THE CHANGE, but am now finding out just how liberating the rage of menopause can be. Fuck it!
All my thanks to Empress Editions, and
. And thanks to everyone for reading. Please excuse me now while I go back to wandering around in a daze.*accidental outlaw
Our Daily Bread
I moved back to my home town when I was twenty-six. I had been bumming around Europe for a while, free but broke, and now I was back and broke and it was time to get a job.
“Here There and Underwear”
(Consider this a PSA)
******
Oh cunts are here
And cunts are there
Hidden under
Underwear
Some are big
And some are tiny
Some are dry
And some are slimy
Some are icky
Some are sticky
(Some are waiting
For a licky)
Some are pink
And some are brown
So many kinds
Of cunts around
Some are bloody
Some are not
Some are oozing
Gooey snot
Some are clean
And some are mean
Some are fresh
Some have bad breath
But
Whatever kind
Of cunt you've got?
Use it well
Don't let it rot.
Anna, I’m still grinning like a goofball every time I read this. Honestly, this is why we started Empress: to find women like you wandering the internet with absolutely no idea how ferociously cool they already are—and hand them a megaphone, a book deal, and a mocktail.
She’s Gone Chilaquiles is hilarious, anarchic, and unreasonably wise, which also happens to describe you. And yes, I fully support fridge-door propaganda as a marital strategy.
Thank you, David Roberts. Thank you, Substack. Thank you, accidental outlaw Anna Schott, for reminding us all that reinvention is a dish best served with salsa and swears.
Now go forth and dazzle—with admiration and a stack of blurbs incoming,
Alisa
your work has always been ripe for plucking for some lucky publisher with a good eye. well deserved Anna!!!