Soup and Salad

Saw a thing where I could bid to win a dinner with Bob Odenkirk and David Cross to benefit charity. The starting bid was around 2 grand. Immediately thought to self: It would be so awesome to have dinner with those dudes! Gotta get 2 grand, take out a loan or something, sell the car maybe? Untroubled by the fact that my bank balance seems to be permanently stuck at negative zero.

Fantasy ensues. Witty banter. Exchange of ideas. Selfies with. Beginning of lifelong friendship. And oh, right …dinner. But dinner where? Not at a restaurant—people might stare. So dinner at home. But who’s cooking? Me, I guess. What do I cook? Should I make that Mexican green soup? God knows I love that Mexican green soup. But not everybody does. It’s full of cilantro. Some people don’t like cilantro. But how do I find out if they like cilantro? Do I just ask them? But that’s already making it weird—it’s like a weird pressure on the guests. Soup isn’t enough anyhow. Salad? So hard to make witty banter with a mouth full of lettuce. Healthy though. Are they health-conscious? But it’s a Special Occasion. Nobody’s health-conscious on Special Occasions. Soup and Salad too green. Maybe just get takeout? God knows I love takeout. But then what’ll I do instead of be busy cooking in the kitchen when they show up? Make small talk? I can’t. But I can rhyme. In mind’s eye, requests for a recitation of my poetry. Poems about My Butt™ and how big it is. Probably due to the all the takeout. But they think it’s brilliant. Wait a minute: what if they don’t? Seems impossible but you never know. Just because I think they’re funny doesn’t mean they’ll think I am. But if they don’t then do I even like them? Which brings me to …what if I don’t? What if they’re assholes? What if they are like, total dicks? Worse, what if they’re boring, or tired? What if I am? Thinking about it, why do people even give dinners? Especially to people they don’t know. Makes no sense. Easier to eat alone. No fuss. No worry. But—what if everything went like gangbusters? Delicious meal. Hearty enjoyment. Lingering at the table. That reminds me though—where would they sit? Not on these chairs. These are the worst chairs. I can’t use my bed pillows to make them bearable for guests like I do for me. That’s just gross. I sleep on these pillows. They might have snot on ‘em, or drool. Definitely drool. So now what? I have to bid on the dinner and buy new chairs? A set of chairs is like, expensive! I googled it. I don’t have that kind of money. What are these people trying to do to me? Fuck. This dinner is going nowhere fast. But that’s where I draw the line. I ain’t buyin’ new chairs for no one! Not even in my dreams. That’s it. I’m out.

On second thought, I could sell my car…

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Mexican Green Soup AKA Crema de Queso, AKA best soup. Best for not sharing and not serving at dinner parties with strangers. Best for eating alone and licking the bowl and the saucepan too.

(It calls for a bunch of dairy but I use vegan subs and it tastes supergreat.)

5Tbs butter, cup or two of parmesan, block of jack. 4 cups each of chopped watercress, cilantro, spinach. 1 cup chopped celery. ½ a diced poblano. 1 quart stock. 1 large yellow potato. 1 cup cream. Cook all greens in butter. Cube potato and cook in broth until soft. Puree with greens. Add cream and grated parmesan. Bring to a boil. Serve with cubed jack.