The Artist

I’ve been feeling kind of passé lately. So I’ve decided to reinvent myself as a Sandwich Artist. 

To this end, I've been making sandwiches and doing Research and have come to some Important Conclusions regarding Sandwich Art. Like about Bread. For example: you never want to have bread that competes with the flavors inside your Sandwich. Consider Rye. Rye is too strong. It is great as buttered toast. But you should never use Rye in a Sandwich unless your filling consists only of cheese and onions. Same goes for Sourdough, a mighty good dough but if you're using Sourdough as Sandwich Bread, be careful!

Bread is 2/3 of your Sandwich. Buy good bread, you bastards. Sorry. But seriously, beware of bread that is too sweet or floppy. Those characteristics mean Bad Bread. You never want to use Bad Bread in your sandwiches because then your sandwiches will taste bad. It's simple math and as a Sandwich Artist I speak from experience and authority.

Also, I really hope you're not the kind of loser that uses gluten free "bread". Unfortunately I am because my doctor told me not to eat gluten due to Celiac disease and about this I am sad, saddened, because, as I like to complain to my friends, “life is not worth living without bread.” What is your life worth? Nothing? Fine, then use gluten free “bread”. Or use killer bread and die happy. Be a Sandwich Artist.

...stay tuned for next time, when I discuss fillings, in "Sandwiches: the Inside Angle".

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Sandwiches: the Inside Angle

Hello, and welcome to Sandwiches: the Inside Angle.

I have three wonderful Sandwiches that I like to make and eat and I will tell you all about them right now. (I hope you're excited!!)

But first: Please remember to toast your bread! Sandwiches are much better on toasted bread. It's important to me that you don't fuck up the Inside Angle by putting your fillings between cold, flaccid slices. Thanks.

Here are some Sandwiches:

1. This one features a chipotle spread. It's good. Put it in your Sandwich and add other stuff. Here, like this:

Dump a jar of mayonnaise in a bowl. Cut a half-cup of cilantro fine, mix it in. Add a splash of apple cider vinegar, a dash of soy sauce, a glug of olive oil, couple drops of maple syrup, a squirt of mustard—the condiment not the powder. Add some chipotle powder—more, or less—depending on how much you like chipotle. Mix.

Now toast some good white bread, like a French Batard, or Baguette. Spread with the chipotle mixture. Add avocado, red onion, tomato, butter lettuce. Hell, even a cucumber might be cool–for the crunch. Do you like peperoncini? I do. They taste good on this sandwich because their bite is cut by the avocado and balanced by the chipotle sauce. By the way, did you know that chipotles are smoked jalapeños? 

2. Make this one on a Baguette. This Sandwich is good because it's a Bánh mì. That is Vietnamese for “bread”.

Dice a half-inch of ginger and a clove of garlic, mix in a bowl with a touch of sesame oil and a pinch of sugar and a lot of tamari sauce. Slice thin strips of extra-firm tofu. Marinate in the soy-ginger mixture. Fry marinated tofu on med-low heat, turning occasionally until brown. Put the tofu on the baguette with some mayonnaise, grated carrots, red onion, cilantro, basil. This mixture is strong. Maybe you'll want to tone it down and add a little lettuce to offset the strength. Maybe not. But either way, look! You've made a sandwich.

3. This Sandwich is good because of how garlic and olive oil and rosemary taste together on Bread. They taste good together. This Sandwich is made with Ciabatta and olive oil. Ciabatta is kind of a tough bread, chewy and with a crust so crisp it can cut you. But Ciabatta (Chapata en Español) can really handle olive oil well due to the stretchiness of its crumb which creates all of these little pockets—just right for holding oil. 

Now do this: mince a clove of garlic and put it in a little bowl with some olive oil. 

Hey by the way, if your olive oil isn't super good strong fancy extra virgin olive oil then your Sandwich will not be great so for Christ's sake—or just the sake of your sandwich—use good olive oil. Chop up a little fresh rosemary and add that too. Let the olive-oil-garlic-rosemary mixture sit, over there in its little bowl. Then slice some really good sweet Italian red peppers. Slice 'em thin. You can find them at the market. They look like Bell peppers but are longer and thinner and darker red. (Or you could just use Bell peppers but I'd rather you didn't.)

Toast a couple slices of Ciabatta, not too much. I mean don't toast them too much. You can use all the Ciabatta you want. I mean, I don't know how many Sandwiches you are making. Maybe you're having guests or something. Maybe not. Either way it's time to spread the olive-oil-garlic-rosemary mixture onto your toasted Ciabatta. Then add a few thin slices of a hard, salty cheese like parmesan. Then put on the red peppers and some black pepper too and then you should add a couple of those wrinkly-skinned oily black olives like you get at the deli. Don't use any other kind of olive because that is not this recipe and I don't think it would taste good. Those wrinkly olives taste good in The Sandwich because they are mild and sweet. 

Look, you’ve done it again! Enjoy your Sandwich.

*this is not the Sandwich you’re looking for*