Ouph! I had to take five minutes extra for lunch just so I didn't have to go back to my class of 8 year olds with tears streaming down my face... this is unbearably beautiful and tender and loving and and and...
Both my parents died at an age younger than I am now, I didn't ever see either of them in a state of old age with or without memory loss or any physical disabilities. I don't know if that is a lucky thing or not, I never will, but I know this, I still miss them both deeply and almost thirty years have passed...
If you can find the time— you obviously have a deep love for them—spend it with them Anna, every second, because once they're gone it's like losing everything your life is built on.
The line about yelling “hello” into the phone and realizing one day they won’t hear you — that stopped me.
There’s a particular kind of anticipatory grief in this season. The irritation that flashes first. Then the panic underneath it — the realization that this thin line of communication is all you have, and it’s slowly fraying.
Because I live far from my mom, the phone is the thread. When my mom’s hearing falters, I feel the future rush in.
You captured that layered texture so honestly — the vigilance, the tenderness, the exhaustion, the love braided together.
Thank you for naming something so many of us are quietly carrying.
Your parents sound like ideal candidates for assisted living if that's something that's in your financial abilities. There are lousy ones, sure, but there are great ones and most have accommodations for couples. Mom loved it. There are activities, you don't have to worry about feeding or meds or laundry or entertainment. She found friends and a posse and her apartment there was nicer than mine. Many have memory care so down the line they can still be in the same place. They're not cheap though, but the peace of mind was worth it and we were lucky enough that she had enough passive income to cover it. Best decision I made for her, hands down.
Oh, Anna, I am so sorry. It reminds me of almost the same situation as our daughter and us. Yes, we are in a better position, but we moved closer to our daughter because of her help. You are incredible in your help and support, but it is so hard...
This is so beautiful Anna. You capture so much in so few words, which is to my dim brain the definition of the best writing. It felt like the narration on a film, which to my dim brain is also etc
Oh Anna I’m sorry. It is so stressful and painful and sometimes funny and always heartbreaking. I’ll be thinking of you and your family and sending you all so much love. You’re doing a wonderful job ❤️🩹
Oh, man, it's rough. It was 20 years ago for me, but my parents were in England and I was in New Jersey. I was over there every couple of months. Same with the caregivers. My father would say they we're stealing his money. After he passed, I found a thousand pounds in hundreds he'd stashed around the house. Every time they got used to one level of caregiving, they already needed the next.
Thanks John. Yes there is a lot of paranoia and hoarding happening with my parents too. Money and ...cookies! What you say about getting used to one level of caregiving and already needing the next is helpful for me as it applies to me too. I have to stay one step ahead and kind of anticipate their needs as they increase.
Oh, Anna, it’s so heartbreaking, isn’t it? This made me think of my mum, who still has her marbles, but is physically going downhill , and my mother-in-law, whose marbles are slipping away faster and faster. I do wish that they both go while the party is still in full motion. You know, always leave when you’re still having fun.
I've typed 17 sentences so far and deleted them all because none of them were enough to say what I want to say, which is something like: This is beautiful and heartbreaking and honest and exhausting and I'm so glad you decided to write and share it. Both your writing and the life you're writing about. You've waded into The Hard and are choosing to swim around in it on the daily. I have mad respect and only hope that your siblings jump in often enough that you can swim to the side and float for a minute. This is love and duty and honor, wrapped in your "flimsy patchwork" of care. And it doesn't sound flimsy at all to me. You're doing great, Anna. 🧡
Wow, very moving and beautiful. I’ll be making my way to my parents’ for a visit today🙏
Ouph! I had to take five minutes extra for lunch just so I didn't have to go back to my class of 8 year olds with tears streaming down my face... this is unbearably beautiful and tender and loving and and and...
Both my parents died at an age younger than I am now, I didn't ever see either of them in a state of old age with or without memory loss or any physical disabilities. I don't know if that is a lucky thing or not, I never will, but I know this, I still miss them both deeply and almost thirty years have passed...
If you can find the time— you obviously have a deep love for them—spend it with them Anna, every second, because once they're gone it's like losing everything your life is built on.
Thank you Susie. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know I’m lucky to still have them, painful as it is to see them like this.
The line about yelling “hello” into the phone and realizing one day they won’t hear you — that stopped me.
There’s a particular kind of anticipatory grief in this season. The irritation that flashes first. Then the panic underneath it — the realization that this thin line of communication is all you have, and it’s slowly fraying.
Because I live far from my mom, the phone is the thread. When my mom’s hearing falters, I feel the future rush in.
You captured that layered texture so honestly — the vigilance, the tenderness, the exhaustion, the love braided together.
Thank you for naming something so many of us are quietly carrying.
Sometimes I feel like the anticipatory grief has been building up my whole life. Thank you for reading, Janis.
That makes sense. Sometimes it feels less like what we feel in the moment and more like a quiet undercurrent we’ve always been swimming in.
Goodness, this is so vivid and so poignant. I feel I am right there, wandering with your parents. Thank you for writing it ❤️
Thanks Geri
Your parents sound like ideal candidates for assisted living if that's something that's in your financial abilities. There are lousy ones, sure, but there are great ones and most have accommodations for couples. Mom loved it. There are activities, you don't have to worry about feeding or meds or laundry or entertainment. She found friends and a posse and her apartment there was nicer than mine. Many have memory care so down the line they can still be in the same place. They're not cheap though, but the peace of mind was worth it and we were lucky enough that she had enough passive income to cover it. Best decision I made for her, hands down.
Oh, Anna, I am so sorry. It reminds me of almost the same situation as our daughter and us. Yes, we are in a better position, but we moved closer to our daughter because of her help. You are incredible in your help and support, but it is so hard...
Thank you Larisa, I'm glad you are all able to be together
This is so beautiful Anna. You capture so much in so few words, which is to my dim brain the definition of the best writing. It felt like the narration on a film, which to my dim brain is also etc
Wow--thanks so much Mark
I can feel the weight of this Anna. Really incredible. Also, the part where your dad asks if you took your medicine made me chuckle.
Thanks Istiaq. I have to kind of disassociate when I laugh at what's happening but I still laugh sometimes, if that makes sense.
Totally understand Anna.
Oh Anna I’m sorry. It is so stressful and painful and sometimes funny and always heartbreaking. I’ll be thinking of you and your family and sending you all so much love. You’re doing a wonderful job ❤️🩹
Thank you Ally, ♥️
Oh, man, it's rough. It was 20 years ago for me, but my parents were in England and I was in New Jersey. I was over there every couple of months. Same with the caregivers. My father would say they we're stealing his money. After he passed, I found a thousand pounds in hundreds he'd stashed around the house. Every time they got used to one level of caregiving, they already needed the next.
They are blessed to have you.
Thanks John. Yes there is a lot of paranoia and hoarding happening with my parents too. Money and ...cookies! What you say about getting used to one level of caregiving and already needing the next is helpful for me as it applies to me too. I have to stay one step ahead and kind of anticipate their needs as they increase.
Oh, Anna, it’s so heartbreaking, isn’t it? This made me think of my mum, who still has her marbles, but is physically going downhill , and my mother-in-law, whose marbles are slipping away faster and faster. I do wish that they both go while the party is still in full motion. You know, always leave when you’re still having fun.
Sending you all the good vibes, and big hugs.💕
Thanks Sheila. Sometimes I remember that their confusion doesn't bother them as much as it distresses me, and that helps.
I can relate to all that you wrote. I am going through a similar situation with my mother. It’s been heartbreaking.
It is. Wishing you the best
I've typed 17 sentences so far and deleted them all because none of them were enough to say what I want to say, which is something like: This is beautiful and heartbreaking and honest and exhausting and I'm so glad you decided to write and share it. Both your writing and the life you're writing about. You've waded into The Hard and are choosing to swim around in it on the daily. I have mad respect and only hope that your siblings jump in often enough that you can swim to the side and float for a minute. This is love and duty and honor, wrapped in your "flimsy patchwork" of care. And it doesn't sound flimsy at all to me. You're doing great, Anna. 🧡
Thank you. I wasn't going to share it initially so it really means a lot.
They are very lucky, mundane and beautifully written.
Thank you Peter
Listen to their wanderings as much as you can. You are all so lucky to have each other.
Thanks Mary
💔❤️🩹😔